High Five

I’m not a big “High Fiver”

Some of you already know this about me and/or have heard me drunkenly pontificate about it at some point. But here it comes again.

While I can appreciate the sentiment behind holding ones hand above their head in an effort to persuasively connect with a comrade’s palm in a shared moment of unbridled jubilation, it’s simply not my cup of tea. In fact if I get any sort of inclination that there is an impending ‘High Five’ on the horizon, be it from a friend, family member, lover or statesman, I immediately locate the most awkward and fragile objects available in my vicinity and gather as many of them into my hands as possible. As a result, when a well intentioned, meaty paw of a compatriot or boon companion is thrust into the air, I am saved from the social faux pas of “leaving him/her hanging”. Juggling a jar of mayonnaise, glass menagerie giraffe and framed picture of Walter Mondale in my unspoiled and un-high fived hands, I am able to convey the same feeling of mirth and mutual achievement with a raised eyebrow and a hearty “right on brother!”

This strategy has worked flawlessly until today…

This may shock and dismay some you and I'm not proud to say it but...I just participated in an “office high five”.

That’s right the worst and most insincere of all high fives, and to my further dismay it was neither a slip up with a jolly co-worker at the copy machine, nor an oversight brought about by too much coffee in the break room. Nay I say on to thee, this was the very personification of “office high five exhibitionism”.

Here’s how it played out:

It all started very innocently. A man from the City of Vallejo came into the office, he had been in a meeting with a project manager in one of our conference rooms earlier this morning and had forgotten his hand held electronic organization device (commonly referred to as a Palm Pilot). He inquired as to its whereabouts and it just so happened that I had located the device earlier and had stored it in my desk drawer awaiting the return of its owner. I returned it to him; he gratefully thanked me and left. Crisis averted, it was all over…or was it.

As I was busy searching my drawer to reunite the man with his electronic leash, I had not noticed that the General Manager, the big cheese, the main guy in charge of my office had walked by my desk.

Carelessly, I rose from my desk drunk with my recent lost and found victory and ventured towards the break room for some icy-cold liquid refreshment… foolishly empty handed. As I turned the corner from the lobby into the bare, featureless, glass menagerie deficient hallway I saw him heading towards me not five feet away.

I knew then that it was already too late.

Following a hearty guffaw he loudly remarked “good job Ricardo, you’ve earned your keep today!” Suddenly everything was in slow motion…he lifted his arm and before I knew it, his luxury watch adorned, executive privileged hand was heading towards me at an intercept speed too intense for even the most deft and experienced “High Five Ninja” to dodge. Uncontrollably my defeated phalanges had been wind-milled reflexively by my traitorous arm and were sailing through the air towards the inevitable impact…

After the incident I returned to my desk. I felt cheap, used, and ashamed…but finally after some deep reflection and soul searching I had to admit it to myself.

It is time to stop pretending…

…I’m a high fiver now…